I quit... I only completed 7 days out of the 60 days of yoga. And how I feel like a failure. I was getting too tired every day and was sleeping over 12 hours at a given time. I don't think this was healthy. I think I was trying to do too much too fast...
So I have a new challenge that I need some more support. I pick my face. I do it..because it feels good, it relieves stress, it takes me to another place that is not reality. I continue to eat and drink poorly because I know that it will form pimples that I can pop and I love to just sit in front of the mirror at an hour at a time and just pick at every single little pore on my face. The worst idea I had was to get an extractor. I thought this would be the more ' gentle and easier' way to get the dirty pores out. Well it just created more scars because I was pressing too hard and wouldn't get the entire pus out. It is a great feeling once I extract something that didn't belong there...but the consequences are horrific scars on my face. I am seeing a pyschologist, psychiatrist, and a dermatologist to try and control this problem. Unfortunately, there are not any pills to make you stop picking. I need help. I have an idea of why I pick... and I need to stop.
So, I am posting what my horrific face looks like now..so that I can look back and hopefully see some change for the good.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Namaste
Greetings,
I have completed Day 4 of my 60 Day Challenge of Bikram Yoga! It's funny because during the poses I was thinking of what I want to type about in my blog. I have to tell myself to refocus. Today the room felt alittle warmer than normal. I am not sure if it was because I was standing closer to the window today or maybe I just need to be consuming more water. Today I stood in the front row, which I usually stand in the second row. I think I am starting to gain more confidence in myself and it feels really good. I stood close to the window under the word 'determination.' I am determined to make it to every day of my challenge. I weighed myself this morning and I now weigh 155.6 pounds.
The question that came to my mind today at the end of the practice is:
"What does the word ' Nameste' mean?"
The instructor says to the students ' Nameste' at the end of all the 26 poses. There are a couple of interpretations that I found from http://healing.about.com/u/ua/community/namaste-meanings.htm. I like these two: "The light within me honours the light within you."and " All that is good and true in me recognizes and honors the goodness and truth in you."
The very first thing when I step into the room is lay my mat on the floor then place my towel over it and finally place my partially frozen water bottle at the top right of my mat. I then lay down and picture myself doing the poses and completing them. I tell myself, "Good job. You have made it here." And I say, " You can do it." On page 93 of Bikram Yoga, Choudhury states, " There are three essential components of a true Hatha Yoga practice:
1. Maintaining relative stillness during the postures.
2. Mindful breathing throughout the practice.
3. The regular and liberal use of Savasana, or Dead Body Pose
The first breathing exercise is 'Standing Deep Breathing.' I remember the very first time I started Bikram Yoga, at the age of 18. I looked around at people in the mirror and thought to myself, "What are they doing?" It is called 'Pranayama' breathing.
The Benefits of Standing Deep Breathing: "Teaches you to use up 100 percent of your lung capacity and in so doing it helps prevent respiratory problems such as bronchitis, emphysema, asthma, and shortness of breath...Also teaches you to control the breath and to sustain your inhales and exhales rather than gasp. By expanding the lungs, Standing Deep Breathing stimulates circulation, so it wakes the muscles and the entire body." (p.102, Choudhury, Bikram)
I have provided a video from YouTube of the first breathing exercise. This is not me or from Dallas. I just thought it showed a good visual of the breathing exercise.
I have completed Day 4 of my 60 Day Challenge of Bikram Yoga! It's funny because during the poses I was thinking of what I want to type about in my blog. I have to tell myself to refocus. Today the room felt alittle warmer than normal. I am not sure if it was because I was standing closer to the window today or maybe I just need to be consuming more water. Today I stood in the front row, which I usually stand in the second row. I think I am starting to gain more confidence in myself and it feels really good. I stood close to the window under the word 'determination.' I am determined to make it to every day of my challenge. I weighed myself this morning and I now weigh 155.6 pounds.
The question that came to my mind today at the end of the practice is:
"What does the word ' Nameste' mean?"
The instructor says to the students ' Nameste' at the end of all the 26 poses. There are a couple of interpretations that I found from http://healing.about.com/u/ua/community/namaste-meanings.htm. I like these two: "The light within me honours the light within you."and " All that is good and true in me recognizes and honors the goodness and truth in you."
The very first thing when I step into the room is lay my mat on the floor then place my towel over it and finally place my partially frozen water bottle at the top right of my mat. I then lay down and picture myself doing the poses and completing them. I tell myself, "Good job. You have made it here." And I say, " You can do it." On page 93 of Bikram Yoga, Choudhury states, " There are three essential components of a true Hatha Yoga practice:
1. Maintaining relative stillness during the postures.
2. Mindful breathing throughout the practice.
3. The regular and liberal use of Savasana, or Dead Body Pose
The first breathing exercise is 'Standing Deep Breathing.' I remember the very first time I started Bikram Yoga, at the age of 18. I looked around at people in the mirror and thought to myself, "What are they doing?" It is called 'Pranayama' breathing.
The Benefits of Standing Deep Breathing: "Teaches you to use up 100 percent of your lung capacity and in so doing it helps prevent respiratory problems such as bronchitis, emphysema, asthma, and shortness of breath...Also teaches you to control the breath and to sustain your inhales and exhales rather than gasp. By expanding the lungs, Standing Deep Breathing stimulates circulation, so it wakes the muscles and the entire body." (p.102, Choudhury, Bikram)
I have provided a video from YouTube of the first breathing exercise. This is not me or from Dallas. I just thought it showed a good visual of the breathing exercise.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Start From Scratch Once Again
"It's never too late, it's never too bad, and you're never too old or too sick to start from scratch once again."- Bikram Choudhury
I have made it to the 3rd day of my Bikram 60 Day Challenge! Yesterday, I had a tough time getting myself yoga. I thought there are just so many other things I could be doing instead of yoga. I could be sleeping, watching tv, making jewelry, or playing on the computer (I am now addicted to Bejeweled) My mom and I were talking in the car and she had a good point. "What is the point of a 60 Day Challenge when you are going to be skipping days?" It is indeed a challenge. I think one of the hardest parts about this challenge is actually getting the motivation to go. Once I am there I am fine.
I met someone yesterday after the session and we started talking about yoga and I mentioned I was starting the challenge. She was very nice and it felt good to meet someone that I could connect with and be myself. I learned that she had completed the challenge and she said it was a great feeling. I can not wait to get to that moment of accomplishment. I can not wait to make more friends at yoga!
Today, I got up early and went to Bikram at 10am. I thought to myself: I am going to get this off my checklist for today so that I can go and do whatever I want for the rest of the day. I made it! Each day, I find new challenges for myself. I looked up at the wall and the word for today was 'faith.' On page 36, of Bikram Yoga, By Bikram Choudhury he explains about the different yoga forms. "Bhakti Yoga: Devotional practice. Here the yogi seeks out and comes to see the Divine in all people and in all creations of the universe. This form of yoga includes formal worship, praying, and surrender to God." I find that going to Bikram is a time that I meditate and pray to God. I ask him for strength and determination throughout the poses and I also thank him for every breath that I take in and out of my body.
FAQ's of Bikram Yoga:
Why is it so damn hot in here?!?!?!?
- "Ideally, each one of Bikram's Torture Chambers is heated to 105 degrees... Yoga changes the construction of the body from the inside out, from bones to skin and from fingertips to toes. So before you can change it, you have to heat it up to soften it, because a warm body is a flexible body. Then you can reshape the body any way you want... The heat will initially serve to allow you to twist and stretch with less chance of injury." (Page 73-74, Choudhury, Bikram)
Why meditate anyway? What does meditation actually mean?"
- "Meditation is the practice of focusing and calming the mind in order to communicate with the God inside you, your self or spirit.(page 76, Choudhury, Bikram)
I weighed myself this morning and I have lost 0.6 pounds in three days. Whoo! Let's keep this up. I now weigh 156.0. I have also noticed that my acne is decreasing and the scars are beginning to fade away. I feel like inside of me is a sleeping giant and it is just starting to become awakened. Even though I am in a 105 degree room for 90 minutes, after the journey I feel refreshed and renewed. It is like a reset button and I am ready to take on the day. When I came home I was really craving some fruit. Mom brought home a juicy watermelon and I ate an entire bowl of watermelon. It was so fresh! I am also starting to stay away from the energy drinks. I haven't had one since I started the challenge. I thought that I would need them to recharge, but my body thrives for water not chemicals and caffiene. I am feeling really good about myself and am starting to gain more confidence. I am still working on the challenge of talking to the opposite sex.. But I need to just take it, "One day at a time."
Thursday, August 12, 2010
60 Day Challenge- Bikram Yoga- Begins
Today was my first day of the 60 Day Challenge of Bikram Yoga in Dallas, Texas. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to go. Which has been quite strange because recently I haven't been sleeping well. You see, my best friend Maddie, my beloved Airedale, had to have emergency surgery. She had pyometra which is a disease in the uterus. The vet explained it to us as having pus and blood in her utetrus. I have never prayed so hard in my life. Maddie survived the surgery and is recovering. Thank you God!
First day of a full 8 hours of sleep is a great way to start the first day of my challenge. I woke up around 8:30am ready to take on the world. I first got a bowl of cereal, Lucky Charms. Healthy,.. I know. But hey, I am beginning to eat breakfast now and I would like to say that it has been beneficial to the amount of energy I have throughout the day. I certainly could be eating healthier, but I am going to take it one thing at a time.
So, what is Bikram Yoga?
Bikram Yoga is a program of 26 postures and two breathing exercises all completed in a 105 degree room. I first started Bikram at the age of 18. At the age of 17, I was taking dance a couple shops down from Bikram and thought I would give it a try. What I found out about yoga is that it can help, 'from stress and insomnia to arthritis and back pain-- and maintain exceptional health for years to come' ( Bikram, Choudhury)
At first, Bikram was way to escape from the bitterness of life. I could be myself . All that pain that was cultivating inside of me was able to be released through sweat and tears. I found that I was able to reconnect with God, become more in tune in myself, and to let my stress out. It was a healing experience.
I went off to college and stopped Bikram and picked it back up during winter break. It has been a couple years since I have done Bikram, but I returned today.
With my bag, towel, water bottle, mat, and self, I got into the car and drove about five minutes to my destination. I was greeted by two very nice people that signed me up for the challenge. They gave me a small chart that I can put 'smiley' stickers on for each day I complete the day. I was ready to go. I weighed myself once I got to the restroom and I weigh 156.6 pounds. I took off my outer layer of clothes and had on my volleyball spandex shorts and black bra. I grabbed my towel, mat, and water and headed for the room. I found my spot to the left and on the second row. I laid my mat down then placed the towel on top and set up my water bottle at the corner of my mat. I looked up at the wall and smiled as I remembered the words written above the mirrors. The word that I faced today was 'determination.' I am determined to complete this challenge. In about 15 minutes, the class began and I started to remember the poses. Throughout a couple of the poses, I almost decided to quit and just walk outside and get into my car, go home and go to sleep. But I didn't. I was able to carry it out. Sweat trickled down my skin and I watched it fall onto the mat. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I was disappointed in what I saw. I looked at my stomach and just sighed. I started to pick at every 'negative' thing about myself and then stopped. I needed to focus on the positives. I can do this. At the end of the program, I got one of my favorite drinks-- coconut water. It is very refreshing especially after the intense work out. I talked to the hostess about nutrition and the benefits of bikram. Everyone was very nice and I can not wait to work out tomorrow.
First day of a full 8 hours of sleep is a great way to start the first day of my challenge. I woke up around 8:30am ready to take on the world. I first got a bowl of cereal, Lucky Charms. Healthy,.. I know. But hey, I am beginning to eat breakfast now and I would like to say that it has been beneficial to the amount of energy I have throughout the day. I certainly could be eating healthier, but I am going to take it one thing at a time.
So, what is Bikram Yoga?
Bikram Yoga is a program of 26 postures and two breathing exercises all completed in a 105 degree room. I first started Bikram at the age of 18. At the age of 17, I was taking dance a couple shops down from Bikram and thought I would give it a try. What I found out about yoga is that it can help, 'from stress and insomnia to arthritis and back pain-- and maintain exceptional health for years to come' ( Bikram, Choudhury)
At first, Bikram was way to escape from the bitterness of life. I could be myself . All that pain that was cultivating inside of me was able to be released through sweat and tears. I found that I was able to reconnect with God, become more in tune in myself, and to let my stress out. It was a healing experience.
I went off to college and stopped Bikram and picked it back up during winter break. It has been a couple years since I have done Bikram, but I returned today.
With my bag, towel, water bottle, mat, and self, I got into the car and drove about five minutes to my destination. I was greeted by two very nice people that signed me up for the challenge. They gave me a small chart that I can put 'smiley' stickers on for each day I complete the day. I was ready to go. I weighed myself once I got to the restroom and I weigh 156.6 pounds. I took off my outer layer of clothes and had on my volleyball spandex shorts and black bra. I grabbed my towel, mat, and water and headed for the room. I found my spot to the left and on the second row. I laid my mat down then placed the towel on top and set up my water bottle at the corner of my mat. I looked up at the wall and smiled as I remembered the words written above the mirrors. The word that I faced today was 'determination.' I am determined to complete this challenge. In about 15 minutes, the class began and I started to remember the poses. Throughout a couple of the poses, I almost decided to quit and just walk outside and get into my car, go home and go to sleep. But I didn't. I was able to carry it out. Sweat trickled down my skin and I watched it fall onto the mat. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I was disappointed in what I saw. I looked at my stomach and just sighed. I started to pick at every 'negative' thing about myself and then stopped. I needed to focus on the positives. I can do this. At the end of the program, I got one of my favorite drinks-- coconut water. It is very refreshing especially after the intense work out. I talked to the hostess about nutrition and the benefits of bikram. Everyone was very nice and I can not wait to work out tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Every Cloud has a Silver Lining
One of my favorite things to do as a child was to lay down on the grass and look up at the sky. I would see lots and lots of clouds slowly passing by and I would form outlines with my fingers of different shapes in the clouds. I remember I once saw a mermaid, a horse, and a whale. I had a great imagination. I grew older and throughout the busyness of life, I forgot about taking those moments to simply lay down and watch the clouds.
When I was a teenager, I had just finished my first dance competition and my mom and I were in the car. I remember sitting back in my chair, my mom driving at the wheel, I looked out of my window and gazed up at the sky. A smile formed on the corners of my mouth and one of my favorite things that I liked to do as a kid returned, creating those images of different objects; but this time I saw an angel. Now was it an angel or was it just my imagination forming this figure in my mind? It could have been either one. In my mind a beautiful beautiful angel stretching its arms out to the right side in the sky. After I had seen this sight, I had this amazing surge of energy after I had just performed an intense routine. And yes, the angel did have a silver lining.
As I look back at the whole 'shabam' as I like to call it, of my life, I wonder what would have happened if I had looked for the 'silver lining.' Would I have lost my best friend? Would I have thought about ending my life? Would the hours of crying and tears ceased? Would I have rejected myself ? Would I have the boy that just wanted to be my boyfriend? Would I have prevented this..or that? Would I .... Would I.. Would I ?
A ' Silver Lining' is described as, ' A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty.' (This is from answers.com) The word that stands out to me here is 'hope.' My hope was lost throughout the time of difficulty, but I have found it and I'm not letting go.
This blog is about several things: It is about me finding my silver lining(s) throughout life, faith, the 60 Day Bikram Challenge (I will begin in about 2 hours), my struggles with acne, weight, depression, anxiety, and much much more.
When I was a teenager, I had just finished my first dance competition and my mom and I were in the car. I remember sitting back in my chair, my mom driving at the wheel, I looked out of my window and gazed up at the sky. A smile formed on the corners of my mouth and one of my favorite things that I liked to do as a kid returned, creating those images of different objects; but this time I saw an angel. Now was it an angel or was it just my imagination forming this figure in my mind? It could have been either one. In my mind a beautiful beautiful angel stretching its arms out to the right side in the sky. After I had seen this sight, I had this amazing surge of energy after I had just performed an intense routine. And yes, the angel did have a silver lining.
As I look back at the whole 'shabam' as I like to call it, of my life, I wonder what would have happened if I had looked for the 'silver lining.' Would I have lost my best friend? Would I have thought about ending my life? Would the hours of crying and tears ceased? Would I have rejected myself ? Would I have the boy that just wanted to be my boyfriend? Would I have prevented this..or that? Would I .... Would I.. Would I ?
A ' Silver Lining' is described as, ' A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty.' (This is from answers.com) The word that stands out to me here is 'hope.' My hope was lost throughout the time of difficulty, but I have found it and I'm not letting go.
This blog is about several things: It is about me finding my silver lining(s) throughout life, faith, the 60 Day Bikram Challenge (I will begin in about 2 hours), my struggles with acne, weight, depression, anxiety, and much much more.
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